


Blinding LIghts

by AnnabellIM



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: BDSM, Boundaries, Choking, Crying, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Jealousy, Lesbian AU, Lesbian Sex, Light Bondage, Masturbation, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Smut, Tinder, Useless Lesbians, happy ending? maybe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:28:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24715333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnabellIM/pseuds/AnnabellIM
Summary: "Nicky managed to avoid Jan for most of the night.She tried to get away from her even if it meant seeing way too many girls she fucked before.'Stupid lesbians' she hissed as she made her way to the exit of the club, getting an hateful stare from a girl she once spent the night with and left without saying a word.All it took was one drunk moment of her not paying attention, to ruin her hopes for a drama less night.Out of all the people in the club, she bumped into the one person she tried to avoid the most"
Relationships: Nicky Doll/Jan Sport
Comments: 17
Kudos: 64





	1. Save your tears for another day

**Author's Note:**

> Hello beautiful people.  
> this story is lesbian fic about Nicky and Jan.  
> Yes, they are lesbians.  
> No, nobody asked for it.  
> It is Inspired by their IG karaoke live  
> (Nicky is every lesbian's fantasy. you can't change my mind)
> 
> This one is dedicated to my beautiful girlfriend that's been there for me thorugh this quarentine and woke up super early with me on Saturday mornings to watch the episodes of s12 even though she's not a fan of the show  
> I love you baby thank you for suffering me, loving me and understanding my love for Nicky doll.
> 
> Let me know what you think!  
> hope you'll like it

chapter is inspired by the song-Save your tears- by the weekend.

-

_I saw you dancing in a crowded room_

_you look so happy when I'm not with you_

_But then you saw me caught you by surprise._

_A single teardrop falling from your eye_

_-_

Nicky was drunk. Way more than she intended to be.

Lately all she does is getting drunk by herself, smoking a blunt till she's numb and falling asleep on the couch.

But Jaida is her best friend, and as much as she wanted to stay home like every other night, missing her bestie's birthday party was not an option.

Jaida disappeared few moments after they got in to the party, and Nicky's head spun from the combination of alcohol in her blood and the attempts to locate her friend.

The music in the club was loud, the room was dark and thick cigarettes smoke filled up the air.

Nicky's eyes and lungs burnet, she placed a hand over her throat, attempting to get used to the burning sensation.

She took a big breath as she walked to the dance floor, but nothing prepared her for the burn she would feel in her heart the moment she saw Jan.

Jan was looked so happy. she was dancing, smiling, Nicky almost forgot how mesmerizing she is.

She was wearing a tight, purple, sequent dress.  
Her blond hair was down, and it moved with her as she danced.  
It's probably the happiest Nicky had ever seen her.

All she ever did was bring tears to her eyes.

Nicky managed to avoid Jan for most of the night.

She tried to get away from her even if it meant seeing way too many girls she fucked before.

'Stupid lesbians' she hissed as she made her way to the exit of the club, getting an hateful stare from a girl she once spent the night with and left without saying a word.

All it took was one drunk moment of her not paying attention, to ruin her hopes for a drama less night.

Out of all the people in the club, she bumped into the one person she tried to avoid the most.

Jan looked surprised at first, Nicky could swear she heard Jan's heart beat faster as the corner of her mouth curled into the tiniest grin.

But soon after, her grin disappeared as a single tear fell from her eye.

Nicky felt she's in a bubble with her, like it was only the two of them standing in an empty room.

The club was loud, but the silence between them was deafening.

"Jan.." Nicky's lips almost forgot what it felt like to say her name.

She wanted to feel her pain, she wanted to feel the guilt.

She broke Jan's heart.

She wanted to take Jan's anger away, she wanted Jan to ask her why she did it, she wanted her to tell her that she fell apart.

But Jan didn't say a word.

She wiped her single teardrop, walked past her.

Ignoring Nicky's presence.

Pretending like she didn't care.

Nicky stood frozen in place, the reminiscence of Jan's sweet, intoxicating perfume is the only thing left from her.

Nicky's hands were shaking, she felt like a bullet shot through her heart, it was too much for her to handle.

Jan used to be her person.

She was the first to call when something bad happened.

She was the one that gave the best advices when Nicky felt lost.

She was the one that took care oh her when she was sick.

She was the one that helped her deal with her weekly lesbian drama.

She was the one to scream her lungs out with, in a crazy karaoke bar.

She was the one to get high with in 3 am and order pizzas

She was the one who was always there

And she fucked Nicky like nobody else ever did, and that's why she always came back for more.

Until the one night that changed it all.

The one thing Nicky was the most afraid of happened.

It's been 8 months since Nicky last saw Jan, so much time had passed passed since that horrible night,

But she remembers it like it was yesterday.

* * *

"Please... Nicky.. I'm sorry.." jan begged the girl that stormed out of her bed, with tears welling up in her eyes.

"Jan.. No, this is bad, this is so, so bad. I cant, we can't do this anymore. it's not going to work" Nicky said as stepped away, naked, from the bed the two of them just shared.

"It's just some stupid feelings. I'll get over it" the lilac haired girl said with a crack in her voice.

"You said **'I love you'!** After we fucked Jan. Do you really think I can pretend like it never happened?" Nicky was shouting at her, unable to control the words coming out of her mouth.

"You promised me... You promised it wasn’t gonna happen"

The other girl just sat there in quiet, shivering, her vision blurry from the tears.

She held her blanket close to her naked chest, the same blanket that moments ago covered their entwined naked bodies.

"You don't deserve it Jan" she said as she searched panicky for her underwear.

"I don't do _feelings_ , I don't do fucking _relationships_..." she was getting dressed in a hurry.

"I will never be able to _love_ you back... You knew that all along..." The French accented girl wasn't even blinking, she put her bra on as she looked straight at the sobbing girl in front of her.

"I've known for a while now that this is a mistake... I'm holding you back. You need to start your life, without me in the picture ruining every chance for a _relationship_ you have"

She continued.

"My failed relationships has nothing to do with you... _with us_ " Jan lied.

In her heart she knew that every date she went on, every girl she kissed, every time she had sex. All she had in mind was Nicky.

The other girls were never good enough for her, because she looked for something very specific. She looked for Nicky.

None of them had the goldiest, shiniest hair, the bluest most penetrating eyes, the softest, plumpiest lips and the cutest button nose, like _Nicky_ had.

They never made her laugh like _Nicky_ did.

They didn't have _Nicky's_ French accent.

And most importantly, none of them went down on her the way _Nicky_ did.

"I'm sorry Jan... I can't" she finished buttoning the last button in her white shirt. Her blond hair was messy, her red lipstick smudged.  
She tucked her shirt into her black tailored pants as she searched for her other of shoe on Jan's floor.

" _Please.._." Jan lifted her blue eyes, trying to catch Nicky with her stare.

"Don’t leave… " Jan's voice was broken, unable to hold the tears, she covered her face with her hands, trying to silence her whimpers.

"Goodbye Jan" she clutched her keys and cellophane in her hand, getting out of the one room New York apartment she spent so many nights and days in.

As she closed the door behind her, she stood in the hallway for a few moments, she heard Jan sobbing, crying, screaming in pain.

From behind the door, it was easy to mistake Jan's cries of sorrow to the pleasures moans she knew so well.

The ones she heard a few minutes ago.

Nicky felt a new, unfamiliar sensation of pain.

She stood with har back to the wall, laid her head back to the cold, hard, uncomfortable concrete walls of the hall.

Her legs felt weak, her chest felt heavy.

She knew she had lost her forever.

Tears streamed on her face as she got out of the building.

Her hands too shaky to call an uber, she started walking in the crowded streets of New York.

Nicky cried, the ugliest most broken cry she could have.

Some people stared, other ignored her, few nice ones asked if she was okay or needed help.

* * *

It was the middle of the night and her heels were painful.

She walked for nearly three hours, she thought of how the pain of her feet is nothing comparing to the pain in her heart.

By the time Nicky got to her building her emotions shifted a million times.

She was sad at first.

And then she was mad.

She was raging with anger,

And then she felt broken.

She cursed Jan for being stupid.

Then she cursed herself for being stupid.

She knew she was a coward, she blamed herself for being weak.

She was so afraid of monogamy and settling down.

She was terrified of commitment and planning a future.

She was so scared to listen to her heart and not her brain.

So she fucked every girl she could find, sometimes she even fucked boys, just so she wouldn’t fall back to the trap of her own thoughts.

But she always came back to Jan.

She tried to abstain from her, like she was a sin.

She would look in the mirror and promise herself night after night, not to finish the day between Jan's legs.

But Nicky kept finding herself at her door, needing her like she was addicted.  
drunk in the middle of the night or sober in mornings of regrets.

Jan was always there. With open arms she would welcome her in, hug her, kiss her, fuck her, until she was calm enough to talk about things.

And Jan would always listen, even when it hurt her. When she had nothing smart or helpful to say, she would simply fake a soft smile and draw little circles with her thumb on her thighs, until Nicky would safely fall asleep in her arms.

She will miss her; she misses her already. She knew it's gonna be a daily battle not to fall back to her again.

But this time Nicky really fucked things up, she burnet all the bridges back to Jan.

she hurt her so bad, broke her heart.  
She ran away, leaving her so vulnerable and alone.

Nicky will never apologize.

Jan would never forgive.

Nicky opened the door to her apartment.

Exhausted, broken, she fell on the floor as soon as door slammed behind her.

She screamed, she wanted to cry but no tears were left in her eyes.

She kicked her heels off of her feet as she buried her face into her palms.

She felt dirty, disgusting, repulsive.

She ripped her shirt off of her body, remembering how good Jan's hands felt doing just that. Gently but Passionately unbuttoning her shirt earlier this day.

She got up from the floor, kicked the rest of her clothes off on her way to the bathroom.

She got into the freezing water of the shower, not even waiting for them to warm up a little.

She washed her thoughts off as well as Jan's fingerprints from her body.

Still naked, she stood in her lonely apartment.  
Uncontrollably she went to the kitchen, poured herself a glass of whiskey and lit a cigarette by the kitchen's window.

Perplexed by the alcohol in her blood and emotions in her head, she opened her phone

_"I made a mistake... I'm sorry..._

_I love you too"_

She texted bravely, but she never sent it.

_Girl, take me back 'cause I wanna stay_  
_Save your tears for another_  
_I realize that I'm much too late_  
_And you deserve someone better_  
_Save your tears for another day_


	2. Take me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky is on tinder. what happens when she has a match with Jan?
> 
> we already know how it ends.  
> now lets get back to where it started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies!!  
> Its been sooo long I'm so sorry!  
> I literally had this chapter in my computer all this time but I hadn't had the time to edit it.  
> I rewrote so many parts so many times, English is not my first language and many things are very, very different (in my language objects has gender pronouns. So confusing!!!)
> 
> I have a neurobiology test tomorrow morning, but I had to post this chapter already!
> 
> I really hope you'll like this one.  
> this is going back to how they met.
> 
> feel free to leave a comment (don’t feel free! Leave a comment!)  
> I'm trying to learn and get better, so every opinion (good or bad) means a lot to me.
> 
> Enjoy <3

**'You've got a new match'**

Nicky's screen lit up with a tinder notification.

Not that it was exciting for her.

Nicky is beautiful, attracting, sexy and she is very well aware of that.

Almost every girl Nicky swiped right to was a match. well, who could resist her?

She spent every night with a different girl, and this night wasn’t going to be any different

**'You and Jan liked each other'**

Nicky looked at her profile. Jan looked beautiful, big blue eyes, long blond hair with shades of faded pinks and purples in it.  
She seemed sweet, almost too innocent to Nicky's taste.  
She wasn't usually going for this type of girls, knowing that they probably looked for something serious and not a one-night stand.

The type of girls that falls in love with you, plans your wedding and choses your children's names after only one date.  
Nicky was scared to death of those crazy lesbians, but something about Jan's eyes made Nicky linger on her profile.

In her photos, Jan looked gentle, almost like a princess, the perfect girl next door.  
But there was something about the look in her eyes, beaming with sexiness, mixed with confidence and hunger. Nicky assumed she's the kind of girls who has the craziest sex, wild and limitless. That made Nicky's mind wild as the nerves in her body shook in anticipation. She needed to fuck her, even if it meant dealing with the consequences later.

- _Hi baby_ \- Nicky was the one to send the first message, she long ago gave up on being the typical useless lesbian who waits for the other to make the first move.

- _Hello gorg'_ \- she replied almost instantly to Nicky's surprise.

- _What are you looking for?_ \- Nicky was straight forward. She has a target and she's not here to play games.

 _\- sorry for the bad cliché but...-_ Nicky rolled her eyes on the screen. Another one searching for the love of her life, on tinder.

- _I'm after a really bad breakup... So, I guess I'm not really sure_ \- Nicky's bitchy face changed to a devilish smile in a matter of seconds.

This is perfect.

she _loves_ to be a rebound. She _loves_ them broken and needy for her undivided attention.

They'd get drunk really fast, throw themselves on her, she'll fuck the memories of their ex's out of them, until they scream her name out loud.  
At the end of the night she will put on her clothes as they'll say she's the best sex they ever had.  
She will leave them naked in bed, red lipstick smudged across their necks, covering bite marks that will only disappear days later.  
she would walk out of their apartment, hoping to never see them again. she will never bother to return their calls or answer their texts. You know, just her ritual.

 _-You poor thing, I'm so sorry to hear that baby. Anything I could do to make you feel better?-_ the French girl smiled at her screen, imagining what Jan looks like when she comes.

 _-Having alcohol in my blood sounds like a great plan right now-_ she answered so quickly, indicating that she's not overthinking the situation, this is Nicky's signal to attack.

_-Drinks at your place in an hour? -_

_-sure-_

_-I'll get wine. text me your address. see ya later baby_ -

Finding a hookup for the night was easier than she expected. But then again, who could resist her?

* * *

Nicky got out of the uber. Wearing a black suit with a very deep cleavage, a pair of black heels and the smallest amount of makeup on, only her signature red lip is noticeable.  
In her hand, a bag with three bottles of wine, she plans on drinking them all tonight.

 _'B12'_ Nicky recognized the apartment's number as she gently knocked on the door.

"I'm coming" she heard a soft, high pitch from the inside of the apartment. she quietly laughed as she thought to herself how many more times she'll hear this sentence tonight.

"Hi" the girl who opened the door had a wide smile, she was way too happy and energetic then to Nicky's expectations.

Her hair was in different shades of purples, brushed into a high ponytail. Her face beautiful and even softer the in the pictures. Her makeup was bold, flawless with purple eyeshadow matching her hair color. She was wearing a simple small black dress that hugged her figure perfectly.

"I'm Jan" she said nervously after girl in front of her just checked her out without a word.

"Well, I've already figured that one out" she laughed.

"You can call my Nicky" her eyes were inspecting Jan's makeup as she raised her hand to softly caress her cheek "your 'maquillage' is wonderful Jennifer".

Compliments and French, were Nicky's perfect game of flirtation.

"Omg, thank you" she blushed as she moved backwards allowing the other girl to enter through the door

"You're welcome" she entered and closed the door behind her.

"Is that a French accent?"

"It is ma chérie" she stood closer, flicking her eyelashes seductively.

"You see, I'm actually-" she stopped and got closer to her, almost whispering  
"-French". Jan's skin filled with goosebumps, as she took a step away.

"Wine?" she giggled nervously, not amused by Nicky's attempts to impress her.

"Sure" the French huffed at her failed attempt.

The two sat on the small balcony outside's Jan's apartment. Two glasses of wine were placed on a small wooden table between them.

Jan's apartment was small but beautiful, unlike Jan herself, the apartment was very calm and minimalistic. White walls, bright furniture and a few spots of green from plants scattered around.

The place was tiny, from the small kitchen you could reach a hand to touch the bed, with one look you could see the whole apartment. But the place didn't feel so small thanks to having big windows around the apartment, with the beautiful view of the city and the Hudson river.

"So, tell me about yourself" Jan broke the awkward silence between them.

"Listen, I have to say something first" Nicky sipped from her wine, not feeling as confident as she usually feels

"Go ahead"

"I'm not looking for anything serious. I… I don't do the whole relationships and feelings shit. I don't want to hurt you or get your hopes up. I-"

"Sweety" Jan stopped her, almost rolling her eyes at Nicky's words.

"Relax. I'm not gonna fall in love with you. It's not my thing either" she laughed and lifted her glass closer to her lips.

"Good. I just had to make sure we're on the same page"

"I let a complete stranger from tinder, come straight to my house, with alcohol. Isn't that obvious enough?" She laid her glass back on the table, a smirk on her face.

"You don't look like the type of girl who would do… that, that's all"

"I know. I look like a Disney princess" she smiled as she played with her hair

"that doesn't mean I live in a fairytale" Jan laughed and Nicky felt much more relaxed.

By the time they finished the first bottle of wine, their conversation was flowing easily.

Nicky enjoyed Jan's company and how easy it was to make her laugh.

"So, what is it that you do for a living that pays for your designer's clothes, Nicky?" Jan asked teasingly and winked at the French girl next to her.

"I'm a makeup artist. I do mostly fashion and magazines. I'm glad to see you recognize a designer's piece" she said as she adjusted her jacket proudly.

"Well, my ex is a designer. Other than that, I know nothing about fashion" she admitted with a sad look in her eyes.

"What's you ex's name?"

"Gigi" Jan answered quietly, for the first time she looked unconfident.  
Nicky opened her eyes big, she looked shocked "Goode? Gigi goode?!" Her mouth opened up in a big gasp.

"This fucking lesbian community" Jan shrugged. " Please don't tell me you two slept together" she was sitting on the edge of her seat, her shoulder tensed, her fingers almost white, holding strongly to the wine glass in her hand, Nicky was afraid the glass would shatter at every moment.

"No, we haven't fucked..." Nicky admitted carefully as Jan let out a relieved breath.

"we've worked together many times before, I know her pretty well. I'm surprised she never mentioned you..."

"Yeah.. that's kinda the reason we broke up..." Jan lost her joy in a second.  
"She never was there for me, she always made me feel like she was ashamed of me, she didn't want people to know we were together" Jan's eyes became shiny with tears, it hurt Nicky's stomach to see her like that.

"At the beginning I thought it was because she didn't want people to know she's gay. But then she came out and won the 'New York's LGBTQ influencer of the year', she was as proud as ever…" Jan had her eyes deep in the stars in the skies, avoiding eye contact with the girl next to her.

"Then she started to flirt with other girls next to me. She would get mad at me and throw a full scene when I would get offended" one tear fell from her blue eye, her hands were shaking.

This is Nicky's moment, when they're most vulnerable, is when she attacks. She would dry their tears, get closer, look deep into their eyes and kiss them.

But something was holding her back.

She looked at the single tear sliding down Jan's face, and disappearing under her jawline.

"How long were two you dating?"

"Three years" another tear fell, and then another.

" Why did you stay for so long?"

"I guess I was so insecure. I felt worthless. She made me feel like I didn't deserve her and that I should be thankful for the fact that she's with me"

" That's awful, I'm so sorry baby..." Nicky was shocked to see the beautiful girl she just met, speak so openly and shamelessly about her heartbreak, something she was never able to do. She felt completely out of her usual game.

"That's alright. Guess I'll probably just never date again... but I'm not gonna sit alone at home and cry about it" Jan faked a smiled and wiped her own tears.

"Lets get more wine" Nicky nodded, and Jan got up to the kitchen. She picked up the glasses and followed her.

"So what led to the break up?"

"The oldest story in the book"

"She cheated on you?"

"Yup. And she didn't even try to hide it"

"What do you mean?"

"She used to text other girls all the time. Ignore my calls for days, have hickeys on her neck, other girls panties and bras in her studio.. all the obvious signs" Jan stopped to finish the leftover wine in her glass.

"So one day I came to suprise her in the studio, and she was fucking one of her assistants"

"That bitch" Nicky shrugged, anger filling her body.

"I told her in that moment that it's over and that I never wanted to see her again... she didn't care enough to apologize or walk after me when I left. She actually never tried" Jan's eyes gave up on holding the tears back, they were completely red as new teardrops caused her mascara to leave a black line down her cheeks.

"I can't believe she treated you like that.. I honestly don't understand why would you do such a thing… why would you stay with someone just to hurt them?" Nicky shook her head in disbelief.

"To be honest, I thought about it for a while. I think she really did love me, and I know for sure that I'm the best sex she ever had" Jan smiled confidently, which made Nicky's heart grow.

"She's just an attention whore" Jan added.

"And a slut" Nicky added with anger in her voice.

They remained silent for a few seconds, studying each other's faces in the somewhat dark apartment.

"This is not how I thought this night would look like" Jan giggled uncomfortably.

"Neither did I" Nicky said as she leaned back on the counter.

"I thought we'd fuck, you'd leave, and I'll finish this wine by myself" Jan smiled with sadness in her eyes.

"We can still do that princess, but I'm finishing this wine with you" Nicky said as she poured the rest of the third bottle into their glasses.  
"Sorry I talked so much" Jan looked at the floor in embarrassment.  
"It was my job to make your mouth busy with other things" Nicky grinned as she got closer to her.  
The two of them stood painfully close to each other, their bodies barely touching. Few inches separating the passionate kiss both of them wanted so bad.

"Are you gonna kiss me already?" Jan whispered, afraid to brake the fragile intimacy between them.

"I was afraid you would never ask" Nicky smirked as her hands slowly wrapped around Jan's neck. Jan closed the distance impatiently and their lips met in a second that felt like a lifetime.

The kiss was hot and wet, they moved in unison like they were one, they explored each other's mouth, trusting one another. 

Hands uncontrollably moving, touching, searching for ways to remove the layers of clothing separating them.

Nicky's body was burning to the touch.

She was aroused by Jan's hands sliding under her shirt.  
Jan let out a soft moan and Nicky felt the wetness between her thighs as her blood boiled in her veins, spreading heat through her body.

Jan broke the kiss to take Nicky's shirt off.  
Their eyes met for a deep long connection, melting in a sea of blue.  
Nicky felt every organ in her body screaming in lust, desire, starvation.  
Her heart was drumming up her chest, creating a rhythm to their dance. Jan lips locked on the French's neck, as she let out a soft moan.

Nicky never felt like that before, she stopped breathing at the thought of it.

She has sex almost every night, but none of the previous girls made her body tremble, shake, storm the way Jan did.  
"Take me to the bed..." Jan left Nicky's neck, begging. Her lips touching, not touching Nicky's. Their hot breaths mixed together, she gazed deep into her eyes "Now" making herself clear, demanding.  
"I'm all yours"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to cut it shorter then I planned, so sorry for how it ended.
> 
> Hope you liked it! Leave a comment if you did (or if you didn’t!), next chapter is very, very smutty. So be prepared.  
> <3 <3 <3 <3


	3. Counting rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the the tinder date at Jan's apartment.  
> or in other words:  
> This is smut. smut with a little bit of smut the the side and some dark backgorund plot. but mainly smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> it's been a while.  
> I've worked on this chapter for three months. a lot has happened in my life during this time but its finally here. 
> 
> this chapter is mainly smut,  
> a major TW to a lot of things- mental illnesses, anxiety, BDSM, mild violence, choking and a lot more disturbing stuff, I'm sorry my mind is twisted. Be aware of what triggers you, don’t risk your mental health. If I forgot something please let me know. 
> 
> A BIG thanks to my babies at DGFC, I couldn’t have done it without you.  
> you're all incredible and I hope you can still look me in the eyes after this chapter.
> 
> I'm ALL over social media (me? How did it happen?)  
> you can find me on twitter ( @AnnabellIM95) and tumblr (annabell-im)  
> come say hello or ask me something promise I won't bite.
> 
> There's a very, very, very important message at the end.  
> please make sure you read it!
> 
> love you all so much

Nicky loves control.

Ever since she remembers herself, she was a freak control in every situation of her life.  
At first it was a small thing, until it became an obsession.

Nicky controlled every aspect of her life in precision.  
From the colors of her clothes, to the food she eats and girls she fucks.  
Everything must be organized perfectly, planned, counted, calculated.

Every new experience had to include a long process of thinking, risk measuring and possible outcomes. Nicky knew that her friends had already made a drinking game out of it, taking shots whenever she did one of her rituals. But she wasn’t too bothered with them making fun of it.

'Five years ago Nicky' would have spent hours crying in front of the mirror over her friends comments, but current Nicky is confident enough not to give a shit.  
Controlling her life like that, helped her become strong, independent, powerful.

She long ago stopped apologizing for who she was, and the way she chose to live her life; counting calories, cleaning everything twice, brushing her hair exactly 300 strokes every time, checking herself in the mirror constantly, organizing her make up brushes in a perfectly straight line, never fucking girls in her own bed.

Controlling her life was her way to deal with her anxieties. It made her world seem clearer, easier to bare.

It made her feel like she had control over things that are uncontrollable.  
It was her coping mechanism, and without it her anxieties would have taken over her.

Nicky loved control.

But sometimes control gets out of control.

* * *

_"Take me to the bed..." Jan left Nicky's neck, begging. Her lips touching, not touching Nicky's. Their hot breaths mixed together, she gazed deep into her eyes "Now" making herself clear, demanding.  
"I'm all yours" _

Their bodies moved together like one coordinated orchestra, creating beautiful compositions of deep breaths and moans.

"I need you" a whisper escaped the French's lips in a moment of inattentiveness, as soon as she realized the words slipping out her mouth she felt weak. She hated begging and she hated being needy. Panic shuddered into her body, causing her to push Jan away, onto the bed.

The other, who to Nicky's relief didn’t notice the panic in her eyes, was in fact turned on by the aggressiveness of the act, causing her to release a set of loud moans to the air.

With every heavy, hungry, wanting, anticipating breath released from Jan, Nicky got closer. The closer she got to her lips, the more she felt her anxieties disappear. Desperately needing to feel power, subconsciously, her hand reached to grab Jan's neck, fingers clasping around her throat in a dominating action, thumb pushing deep into her jaw. A wave of control flooded her body, sending electrifying shocks into her core as the strangled girl released a soft moan.

She hovered over her, hardened nipples fumbling, exploring the women beneath her through the thin layer of her lace bra.  
She got closer, breathing heavy to her face, hand still fasten to her throat, pushing her weight in, stopping her air supply entirely. Jan's body relaxed, her hands fell slowly from Nicky's waist and deep into to the mattress.

In a need to explore her body more, the power drunk girl released her hand, allowing Jan to gasp for air, releasing a little cry.  
It was only then that Nicky realized she was choking her.  
Control is confusing. And Nicky's thoughts rushed like a car on an empty road.  
Seeing Jan so helpless made her terrified and aroused at the same time.  
  


"Shit. Are you okay?" she lifted both of her hands away and up in the air, staring deep into her eyes, searching for any sign of distress.  
"Never better" she chuckled softly, breathing fast and heavy. Her eyes were watery, Nicky couldn't tell if those were tears of joy or fear, but her face was relaxed and her smile pure.  
"I've never been choked before" she admitted, hand carefully touching the sensitive skin which Nicky's hand gripped only seconds ago.

"Sorry, I should've asked…" Nicky said nervously, wiping little drops of sweat that were forming on her forehead.

"That's hot-" Jan stopped for a moment to think "- I liked it".

Nicky was surprised by her honesty and directness. Jan felt comfortable exploring her limits and expressing what she liked. She wasn’t afraid to _lose_ control.

Nicky was almost jealous of her ability to let go and enjoy the moment.

"What are you thinking about?" her stream of thoughts was cut by Jan's curiosity, who was now sitting on her knees in front of her.

Nicky was silent, there wasn’t a legitimate way to say she was thinking _about her_ without it sounding romantic or just a pure lesbian cliché.  
She hated not having an answer, usually she would say something witty, sharp, even sexy. But right now, she was off her guard.

"What happened baby? Am I too sexy for you to speak?" Jan smirked and winked at the confused French girl.

Nicky was out of words. Her mind was running wild, two different languages at the same time.

Where Nicky had no words, she had sex. That was always her way to communicate and connect with people, especially in a foreign country.   
So she leaned towards her, and did the thing she knew she does best and doesn’t require speaking- she kissed the air out of Jan's body, sucking and biting her lower lip until Jan was melting in deep moans, forgetting about the asked question.

Nicky's long slim hands trailed on Jan's dress until she reached the hem at the bottom of it, she played with it between her fingers as she slowly lifted the fabric upwards, using it to pull her closer into the kiss. Her other hand reached under the drees and to her ass, gripping it hard, hungry for control.

When she lifted the dress over her chest, she broke the kiss to take a close look at the girl in front of her. Under her dress, Jan was completely naked, causing Nicky's mouth to water in desire.

"you spent the whole night without panties?" she smiled widely as she took the drees off of her completely.

"I told you, I thought you only came here to fuck... So, I was trying to make the process of you getting to fuck me shorter" Jan grinned softly, she looked beautifully comfortable in her nakedness. Her breasts round and soft, her pure milky skin shining, reflecting in the city lights coming through the big windows of her apartment.  
Jan just wanted to be fucked, but that wasn’t what Nicky had on the menu.  
Because the night is long, and Nicky planned on making it painfully slow.  
  


Small, slow kissed trailed their way to Jan's collarbone, going by the rhythm of her breathes, as she begs for more without words, leaning forward into Nicky's lips. Her mouth trailed higher, she placed a gentle bite to the pulse point of her neck, that slowly became a strong bite, responded by a loud pornographic moan from her.  
Jan was definitely loud, but in that moment Nicky couldn’t care less, and if Jan's neighbors heard them, then she's doing a good job. The sounds coming out of her were mesmerizing and Nicky swore she wanted to hear those moans forever.  
  


One hand held Jan by her ass, squeezing it harshly, causing her head to fall backwards. Her other hand drew little circles over her chest, sending shivers down her spine. Nicky's lips followed her hand, slowly reaching to one of her nipples.

She kissed it gently before pressing her tongue over it and slowly sucking it in.

"Bite me" Jan whispered to the air, hands sprawling in her partners hair.  
Nicky heard her. She knew exactly what she wanted but ignoring her would make her beg harder.

"Nicky... please… bite me"  
She wanted to stay in control, but Jan's moans were too pretty to ignore, so she complied with the tiniest bite, slowly closing her teeth around the pink skin of her nipple.

"Harder… hurt me… please…" Nicky stopped. Her stomach twisted inside her.  
She had a fight of control to win against herself.

She had to fight her urge to bite her so strong, until she screams and cries her name.  
She had to fight her urge to slam her naked body against the big window, letting her breasts squeeze on the cold glass while she pulls her ponytail back and wrecks her body.

She had to fight her urge to whip and spank her, until her body is red with throbbing pain.  
But that wasn’t the plan for the night, that’s not what she met with Jan for, and she can't go there as much as she wanted to.  
So she moved away from her to look into her eyes.  
  
Nicky was way too familiar with dominance and submissiveness.  
She knew what it meant for better or for worse.  
physically and mentally it could be dangerous, and Jan seemed too 'vanilla' for that.

"Do you know what you are asking for? Do you really want me to hurt you?" Nicky asked hesitantly, her pupils swollen with both excitement and fear.

Jan only looked at her with big eyes, worried like a stray puppy in the streets.

"Jan, have you ever tried BDSM before?" Nicky exhaled deeply.  
"No, like… not anything serious. Have you?" Jan looked too happy and confidant in contrast to Nicky. She didn’t think about the words she was saying, as if they had a conversation over unicorns.

"I have Jan" Nicky said with a deep voice  
"I've done some serious things and I don’t think I'm able to moderate myself to the level you're asking for"  
As control was necessary in Nicky's life, so it was in the bed.   
When Nicky is in a scene, she meets partners in a specific platform. Her partners knowing exactly what they want. They have experience, knowledge and defined boundaries.   
Jan has none of them. Obviously, what would you expect from a purple haired girl from tinder. But she was full of surprised and raw sexy confidence that Nicky found hard to ignore.  
  


"I want to try Nicky. I know I can do it. I need to feel something, I'm willing to go as far as you want me to… it's like I haven't felt-" Nicky placed a finger on her lips, knowing exactly how she feels, knowing how deeply she needed a release.  
"Do you have any boundaries?"  
"I don’t really know..."  
"something you won't do or know you wouldn’t like?"  
She thought about it for a moment, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

  
"What are your boundaries?" Jan asked curiously when she couldn’t come up with any of her own.  
exposing your limits means showing your weaknesses. It puts you in a vulnerable position, submissive, powerless.  
In any other case, even the thought of being in this position would send Nicky into a turbulence of panic attacks. But this naked stranger in front of her, that she met a few hours ago was different in a way that she couldn't explain. Her smile was pure and reassuring. Nicky had this kind of chemistry with her that was rare.  
"I don’t go super hardcore" she stared deep into Jan's eyes, feeling her heart pounding faster and her cheeks flushing.  
"Blood, urine and all that shit-literally, discuses me. I'm not a big fan of mental abuse and hard humiliations. I don’t believe in out of bed dom-sub relations" Jan's eyes were wide, shocked but amused.  
"oh, and I don’t do butt stuff"  
"what stuff?" Jan was confused and Nicky's accent as much as it is sexy, makes it difficult sometimes to understand.

"You know… anal" Nicky laughed, and the room felt easier to breath in when Jan returned her an assuring smile.

"well... if these are your boundaries, I guess they are also mine"  
Jan was not alarmed by the things Nicky was saying, and it surprised her how open Jan was to try.

  
"If we do this, you are gonna have to listen to my rules" Nicky said confidently, she knows this part too well.

"oh, like in fifty shades of grey?" Jan said eagerly.  
"Don’t you ever mention this movie again Jan-" Nicky rolled her eyes and huffed.

"-You stupid Americans educated yourself on lies through dumbass movies"  
"Can my safe word be 'Madonna'?"  
"what?"  
"Madonna, the singer..." Jan started singing one of her songs. The contrast between their topic and the fact Jan is naked right now, to the way Jan was acting was confusing but amusing.  
"I know who Madonna is Jan. why would you want it to be your safe word for god's sake?" 

"that's a really long story. But can it be though?"  
"No" Nicky rolled her eyes again, desperate to get started already.  
"We will rank your pain from one to ten. One being the lowest, ten means I stop immediately. This is your own scale and there's no right or wrong. Do you understand?" Nicky's tone changed. She felt dominance taking over her.  
"I do"  
"When I ask you for a number you tell me what's your level so I know how far I can go. If you say nine I now this is your limit and I won't pass it. But in case I do-"  
"I say ten" Jan nodded, understanding.  
"when we start, nine and ten are the only words you're allowed to say without permission. Everything else has to start with 'may I', and you would only speak after I say you can" Jan only nodded, her gaze deep on Nicky.

"When I ask you a question you answer to me immediately. Your answer would follow 'Nicky' or 'Miss' whatever you feel comfortable using. Don't call me mommy, I'm not into this kind of kink. Am I clear?" Jan nodded, to Nicky's dissatisfaction.  
"I asked you a question Jan. Answer me"

"Yes Nicky" she shily answered, unable to hide her nervous smile.

"Good. You will get punished if you when you get things wrong. If you want to cum, you'll have to work for it. Am I clear?"  
"Yes Nicky" Jan shivered with anticipation. Her body aching to be touched, wetness pulling between her thighs.  
"Do you have anything I can use?" usually, she would bring her own equipment with her. But this obviously wasn’t planned.  
"may I?" Jan asked gingerly, Nicky was amused by the way Jan was getting used to her rules.  
"You may"  
Jan got up from the bed and pulled a purple box from beneath it.  
"You can use what's in there" she smiled with sadness in her eyes.  
"I haven’t used any of these since Gigi and I... they're all clean" she handed the box to Nicky.  
the box had several toys and strapons. Nicky was surprised, she honestly didn’t expect Jan to have a box filled with sex toys. Maybe she was kinky after all.  
"I meant something more like a rope, or a scarf. But those are good too" she giggled.  
"oh" Jan's face lit with excitement.  
she got up and pulled something out of her closet.  
"I have these... from Halloween" she held a pair of handcuffs covered with purple fur. Of course she does. Nicky was too proud to use a pair of purple fur handcuffs and she shrugged her shoulder in sneer.  
"what was your costume?" the French laughed uncontrollably   
"A bunny"  
"With handcuffs?"  
"It was a sexy bunny" Jan said it with confidence, ready to move on, as if it made sense.  
"Do you have a belt?" Jan blushed. The thought of leather against her body sent warm waves to her core.

"this drawer has all my scarfs and belts, you can use whatever is in it" she said while turning her back to Nicky, attempting to open the mentioned drawer. Her round bouncy ass was like a magnet to the blond, that within seconds stood behind her, one hand grabbing her while the other reached for a long black scarf.  
"Are you ready to start?" she whispered to her ear  
"Yes Nicky" she said, half speaking and half moaning her words.

"I'm going to tie you up. Is that okay?"  
"Yes"  
"Yes what?"

"Yes Nicky"

"Good, turn around and lift your hands above you head, hold your elbows"  
She did as she was told, turning around, meeting the icy blue eyes of

The girl in front of her  
"Jan are you sure? You can still regret it"

"I'm sure Nicky, I'm ready"  
"Do you trust me?" Nicky asked, not sure where she's heading with it.  
"More then I trust myself" her eyes beamed with honesty, as if she meant it with every cell in her body.  
Slowly but surely, Nicky began to tie her up. She felt confident doing that, hands moving by themselves, relying on muscle memory and not requiring her thinking.  
When she finished, Jan wriggled her hands slightly, testing Nicky's abilities. Nicky was an expert, and her hand could not move at all.

"What's your number?" Nicky asked as she observed Jan beautifully tied up.  
"one" the tied girl answered proudly, feeling achievement in the way she handled it.

"Get on your knees" the dominance was washing over Nicky's body, she felt strong, back in her game.  
She slowly pushed Jan down, until her knees met the floor.  
"what is your fantasy Jan?" Nicky's hand trailed along her body, her bare chest, her exposed neck.  
"I want to lose control, I want to reach the edge of my capabilities. Nicky" she said in confidence.  
Nicky was surprised, not even her most experience subs were able to answer this questions with such certainty.  
She got closer to the girl kneeling on the floor, she seemed uncomfortable on the cold hard floor, but not enough that it bothered her.  
Nicky pulled herself to stand with Jan between her thighs, her lips pressed to her skin.  
"What do you want to do right now?"

"I want to taste you so bad Nicky" She inhaled the smell of her skin, imagining what it would feel like in her mouth.

"Good girl. you can lick my thighs. Don’t stop until I say you can"  
she pounced at her thighs like she was starving, licking in devotion, trying to get to her upper thigh and closer to her center.  
she felt a hand grasping around her ponytail pulling her backward and away from her desired skin.  
"I didn’t say you can stop" Nicky teased her, knowing she can't continue when her head is pulled to the back. Jan tried to push against it, sticking her tongue out in an attempt to reach back to Nicky's skin.  
"So eager" she sinfully whispered at the girl.

Her hair was pulled, it was painful, but in a way that made her body want it even more.

Nicky released her grip and Jan dived back to her thighs.

"Nicky… I'm... so… wet" Jan whispered between kisses.

A strong hand caught her jaw and twisted her head upward, causing her to release a yelp.  
"permission" Nicky said firmly, eyes staring down, deep into Jan's eyes

"sorry I forgot.. I got caught in the-"  
"permission" Nicky raised her voice, her hand slid down to Jan's throat, applying pressure as she felt her swallowing.

She was beautifully submissive under Nicky's grasp.  
Jan looked shrunken and scared, she opened her mouth to speak but closed it immediately after. Scared to say something wrong, it made Nicky worry she had been too harsh with her.  
"what's your number?" she slightly released the pressure of her hand, still holding it firmly to her neck.  
"four"  
Nicky expected at least seven or eight from her. Jan was brave, or maybe just very used to getting hurt by people. mental or physical pain, they both forge you.  
"Good job princess" Nicky praised her, and Jan moaned in affirmation.

"Do you want me to take my hand off?" she asked as her thumb slowly caressed the side of her jaw, Jan leaned into it like a kitten, almost ready to purr.  
"No please... Miss" Jan closed her eyes as she said it.  
It was the first time she called her that, Nicky smiled proudly, knowing Jan is starting to let loose.

"If you want me to keep my hand on your neck, hold your body like you can handle it"  
Jan stretched her body, her hands still tied up above her head.  
she arched her back, causing her breasts and ass to stick out.  
"Very good" Nicky smiled down at her. "So beautiful for me, such a good little slut" Jan smiled uncontrollably, feeling proud to appease her.  
  


"I'm going to count up to ten, I'm going to choke you. I want you to hold your breath for me while I do it, don’t try to breath, it will hurt more. You won't be able to speak, so if you want me to stop you need to fist both of your hands. Can you do that for me?"  
"yes miss" Jan looked scared but excited at the same time.  
"Show me how you do it"  
Jan closed both of her palms, searching Nicky's glare for approval.

"Very good princess. When you are ready, say please, I will wait for you to take a deep breath and I will start counting"  
Jan hesitated for a moment, she was trusting a stranger. for all she knew, Nicky might be a psychopath and would not release her hand after ten seconds, she might choke her to death. She had seen enough Netflix documentaries lately about these kinds of serial killers and Nicky could easily be one.  
But as she looked in Nicky's eyes, she felt like it was the safest place in the world.

"Please" she said in a shaky voice, quickly. afraid that if she waits any longer she might regret it.  
she took a deep breath in and closed her eyes.  
She felt the blonde's hand tightening around her neck.  
_"One"_ Nicky counted in confidence, like she had an internal clock.  
_"Two"_ her grip was getting stronger.

 _"Three"_ Jan's skin began to burn with pain

 _"Four"_ the pain was getting deeper  
_"Five"_ Jan had to fight her body's urge to exhale  
_"Six"_ pain started spreading through her chest

 _"Seven"_ the lack of oxygen started to make her feel dizzy

 _"Eight"_ tears began to form in the corners of her closed eyes

 _"Nine"_ goosebumps filled her body, pleasure washed over her  
_"Ten"_ Nicky released her hand from Jan. She fell down to the floor, head over her knees. She breathed fast, weeping quietly as she does.

Nicky sat down next to her, hand slowly caressing her back  
"Take your time to recover princess..." her hand was now at the roots of her hair, slowly massaging her scalp.  
"You did such a good job" she said as she lifted Jan's head from her knees.

She was breathing with open mouth, her eyes red and lips dry.  
"What's your number?"  
"six" she smiled weakly, defeated.  
Nicky thought that Jan was overwhelmed, that she was trying to look stronger than she really was, and she pushed it far enough for now.

Nicky got up from the floor, pulling Jan up on the way with her.  
"Now" Nicky smiled evilly, this is her favorite part.  
"You get to ask for something you want" she turned her back to Jan, looking at her behind her shoulder, making sure she's checking her out.

"If you'll beg pretty enough, you might even get it" she walked slowly, Jan's eyes gazed at the line where her black lace thong disappeared between her ass cheeks.

"May I" Jan was hesitant, waited for Nicky's approval to speak. Nicky turned, nodded at her in anticipation "you may".

"Can I please… t… taste you" Jan spoke quietly, shyly.

Nicky grinned. Jan could've asked to get fucked, to come, to be touched. Usually her subs were selfish, and think about themselves when given the option, not that Nicky was mad about it, she likes giving them the release they need in the middle of a session.  
But the fact that Jan wanted to satisfy her, told Nicky so much about her personality.

"Come here" Nicky commanded, Jan obediently applied.

"Tell me what you want"  
"I wanna know what your pussy tastes like..." she smiled like a kid in a candy shop.  
"I want to make you come".  
"little slut" Nicky smiled devilishly, causing Jan to tremble.  
She pushed Jan to the wall, she licked her nipples aggressively, causing Jan to moan loudly.

"Say my name and I'll go harder" her tongue was playing with her nipple, as she heard a small whisper of her name.

"louder" she commended.  
"Nicky…" Jan moaned her name, Nicky's teeth closed on her nipple, she knew exactly what she wanted.

"Nicky" Jan was moaning her name stronger, and Nicky bit her nipple harder, her other hand playing with her other nipple.

"Please Nicky" Jan was screaming her name, it sent shivers through her body and she felt the wetness in her panties.  
She locked her teeth around her nipple, pinching and twisting the other one.

Jan let out a loud scream, her body was shaking and her knees were weak.

She pushed her to the bed, took her panties off and climbed on top of her.  
"Do you want it?" she asked as she positioned her center on top of Jan's face.

"Yes please, miss" Nicky was satisfied with her answer.

She lowered herself to her lips, feeling how hungrily she's eating her out.

Usually, Nicky would wait to the end of the session to come, she would make sure her partners aren’t capable of coming anymore and only then she would allow herself the release.

But Jan, she was different. The way she licked Nicky, like she couldn’t breathe without her between her lips was pure submissiveness.  
Nicky knew she could allow herself to cum while staying in full control over her.

Jan was beautifully needy, she licked Nicky while humming in joy, she sucked her clit and eagerly fucked her with her tongue.

Nicky leaned backwards, she sent one hand between Jan's thighs and she shook in response.

She slowly slid a finger between her folds, she was completely wet, her finger could drown there. Jan's whole body tensed to the touch, she moaned into Nicky's pussy, sending vibrations trough her body.

Nicky wanted to scream, she wanted to crumble and collapse in sweet moans as she comes. But she had to keep herself in control, so she bit her lip so strong until she thought it might leave a mark.  
she pushed both of her hands to Jan's breasts, squeezing them, until she felt Jan wriggling under her.

Nicky felt strong pressure build in her lower abdomen, her core started to shake and soon enough her whole body shuddered as she lost the fight with herself and moaned Jan's name. she pushed herself back as she came, letting her body fall and resting her head on Jan's chest.

"Thank you" she heard Jan saying softly. All Nicky thought about is how she is the one who should be thanking her.

Nicky lifted herself to look at Jan.

She was a beautiful mess, face red and sweaty, baby hairs surrounding her like a halo, her lips slightly swollen with a mix of spit and her own wetness all over her face.

Nicky released Jan's hands from the tying. Jan twisted her wrists and pulled her hands down to lay on Nicky's thighs.

"Hands off" Nicky forcefully stared at her.

Panicked, Jan lifted her hands back to where they were tied.  
Nicky grinned at her obedience, and how naturally it came for her.

"let’s get you cleaned" Nicky said as she got up from the bed pulling Jan up with her.  
She took her to the shower sink and turned the water on.  
At first she passed a wet hand with cold water on Jan's face, who closed her eyes and hummed at the sensation.  
when the water got warmer, she bent Jan over the sing so her face would get directly under the water stream.  
A wet hand slowly trailed on her naked back, sending shivers down her spine.  
She softly caressed her ass, and then she lifted her palm and spanked her, using her other hand to keep Jan bent with her face under the stream of water.

Jan moaned and cursed, her body shook with excitement.  
Nicky couldn’t expect a better reaction.

Nicky closed the water and pulled Jan up, her face completely wet, water streaming down to her chest and traces of mascara smudged at her temples.

"What's your number?"

"two" Jan said, and Nicky grabbed a towel and softly dried her up.

Nicky stopped to look at Jan, her skin slightly red and eyes tired. She softly kissed Jan on the forehead, who close her eyes and hummed in a response to Nicky's lips on her skin.  
" Jan, look at me…" she gently grabbed her face with both of her hands, slowly lifted her head until their eyes met.  
"We don’t have to do this, if this is too much we can stop..."  
"please don’t stop"  
"Are you sure? we can just have regular sex-"  
"Nicky" Jan was almost begging with her voice, hungry to be touched, trembling gently onto Nicky's hands around her body.  
"How far do you wanna go?" she asked nervously, grinding her teeth, rolling every possible scenario this night could end with as she waited for the girl in front of her to respond.  
"As far as it gets" she stared deep into the eyes of the women before her, not a slightest trace of fear in her body.

"Jan, I'm scared you'll regret it, I don’t wanna hurt you"

"I have a safe word. I'm a grown up person, I know what I can handle, I'm strong, it takes more then you have to hurt me"  
She looked so deep into Nicky's eyes, not removing her eyes for a second. Her fists clenched, nails pushing deep into her skin.  
She knew how strong she was, she felt the way her words were pushing Nicky over, making her lose her mind, she wanted to challenge her.  
Nicky, almost got mad, determined to show Jan how much she's capable of.

"Beg for me" Nicky's gaze turned darker, anger washing through her body.  
"Please" Jan asked, too sweetly and quietly.  
"I said beg for it you little slut. You don’t even deserve it" she twisted Jan with her face to the cold tiles of the bathroom, pressing her body to the wall, pulling her hair to one side so her neck is exposed.  
Jan only release a shaky confounding breath.  
"You had such big words a few seconds ago. Did you forget how to talk?" Nicky shoved her head into the space in Jan's neck, her breath vibrating against her delicate skin.  
"Did you swallow your tongue like you swallowed my pussy?" Nicky thrusted her pelvic against Jan's bare ass, causing her to release a loud moan.  
"Answer me you dirty little whore" Nicky fisted one of Jan's breasts, enjoying the sensation of power riding through her.  
"Please... I need you so bad. I need you to destroy me, wreck my body, make a mess out of me, make me forget my name. please Nicky" she leaned back to her body like she couldn’t hold herself.  
Nicky released her, causing her to collapse at her feet.  
"Look at you, so pathetic, you say you are strong and you cant even stand by yourself"  
Jan tried to get up from the floor but Nicky pushed her down with her foot.  
"Stay where you belong. Like the little bitch you are. Crawl on the floor after me"  
Nicky walked fast out of the bathroom, leaving Jan panting on the floor.  
confused, exited, dripping between her thighs.  
Nicky stood proudly next to the big window, watching Jan slowly crawl at the floor  
"What's your number?"  
"Six" Jan looked defeated, she reached the to the point where Nicky was standing. She'd let her body fall, hands softly rested at Nicky's feet, her face resting on her thighs, seeking softness in the warm skin of the cold women.  
Nicky, who's heart clenched at the sight of Jan conquered, slowly stroked Jan's soft hair, letting her melt to the touch  
"beautiful kitten, you're so good, so beautiful like that" Jan smiled at it, eyes closed, heat radiating from the standing women above her.  
"I want to destroy you, I want to break you, but you're too beautiful like that" Nicky's finger slowly trailed from her hair to her face and down to her neck, causing Jan to gasp quickly and stop her breathing.  
"Are you afraid of me? Little kitten. I need you to be brave" her hand pulling Jan's "please.." Jan looked with shiny eyes, biting her lip so strong she stopped the blood supply.  
"What do you need kitten?" Nicky pulled her head up so her eyes were leveled with hers.  
"I need to come... please Nicky. I can't hold it any longer. I need a release, please Nicky" her body was shaking, her hair messed up and her makeup smudged, she looked so fragile and submissive. It was the prettiest Nicky has seen her yet.  
Nicky pushed Jan backwards, her ass squeezed against the window.  
"Little slut, I hope that the people down in the street can enjoy your beautiful ass while you come for me" Nicky's finger prints stayed on the window as she moved them away, one hand holding Jan in place while the other trailing down to where Jan needed her the most.  
"So wet princess. Is it the me or you just really like to be controlled?" Nicky smiled devilishly as she pushed one finger inside Jan, followed by a new kind of moans she hasn’t yet heard from her.   
"Both" Jan cried into Nicky's ear as she pushed herself dipper onto Nicky's finger.  
Nicky slowly pumped her finger inside, rewarded by the new moans she was slowly getting addicted to.

"I need more" Jan begged and her lips closed on Nicky's neck, teeth gently caressing her skin.

Nicky pushed Jan back and pulled the finger out of her, responded by a disappointed cry.  
"Too bad princess. I was gonna let you come. But you got too eager and started to miss behave, didn’t you?"  
"I'm so sorry" Jan put a hand over her mouth and lowered her look to the floor.  
"it seems like you forgot your rules. I expected more from you" Nicky's hand pulled slightly on Jan's hair, bringing her eyes to look inside hers again.  
Nicky saw the hurt in her eyes, she realized the even though Jan was strong, her need to please people was probably her biggest weakness.  
"I think its time to remined you your place" Nicky firmly grabbed her and twisted her, face to the window, hands by the sides of her head, palms rested against the glass.  
Jan only responded with a surprised gasp that made Nicky smile.  
"Good girl. Stay like that" she gently petted Jan's ass and walked away.  
Jan was sweaty and hot, she liked the feeling of the cold glass on her body.  
it was already late at night and the usually busy New York street only had few people walking.  
her breasts squished on the window and she thanked herself for choosing an apartment on the highest floor of the building.  
She lost any sense of time and couldn’t figure out if she stood like that for a few seconds or a few hours. But the cold glass begun to feel warmer and her breaths made the see-through glass into foggy and blurry.

Jan's stream of thoughts was cut by the sounds of Nicky's steps and the sharp sound of leather against itself.  
her skin filled with goose-bumps and she had to fight her urge to turn around and see what was behind her.  
"Good girl" Nicky said was she got closer, her lips touching not touching her skin.  
Jan closed her eyes and bit her lips, instinctively ready for what she guessed was coming.  
A sharp slap landed on her butt accompanied by a whip from the leather belt on the same sensitive spot. Jan tried her best to be strong and not responde but she wasn’t ready for Nicky to be so brutally strong, so fast.  
She cried in pain and was responded by another harsh slap.  
"This is what you wanted. You begged for me to hurt you" Nicky groaned as another whip landed on Jan's skin, this time accompanied by Nicky's soft palm massaging her reddened skin.  
When Jan started to moan again Nicky hit her again, again, again and again.  
replacing between her hand and the belt.  
Jan slowly got used to the pain and the hurtful weeps turned into sinful moans.  
"You're doing such a good job, so beautiful like that my princess"  
Nicky caressed her back and Jan leaned into the touch, moaning at the affirmation.  
Another whip landed on her and this one was stronger the last ones, her knees were week and she fell a little, leaving marks of her body against the window.  
"What's your number baby?"  
"eight" Jan's voice was weak and coarse.  
"Can you take one more?" Nicky's hand trailed across her ribs and stomach and Jan's breath hitched at the new touch.   
"Yes, please Nicky" she answered like Nicky hoped she would, eager to please her.  
"Such a good girl, I'm so proud of you" Nicky's voice was soft and gentle, complete contrast to the harsh slap that came right after.

Jan's skin was red and throbbing, but the pain from the slaps was nothing compared to the pain between her thighs and the ache from the need of release.  
Nicky turned Jan around again, her ass pushed against the cold glass soothed the pain a little bit.  
She lifted one of Jan's legs up and to the side, her other hand softly parting her folds and massaging her clit.  
Jan moaned beautifully and Nicky admired the why she looked so perfectly unperfect with her hair and makeup all messed up.

"Tell me what you need" Nicky inhaled deep the smell of Jan's body through her nose, like a child that smells a flower for the very first time.  
"please miss… I need to come. I need you to fuck me"  
Nicky knew she deserved it more then everything, and gently pushed two fingers inside of her, slowly going in, waiting for Jan's approval to keep going.  
As Jan beautifully moaned into her ear, Nicky pushed further in and pumped into her.  
Nicky fucked her faster and harder, Jan's moans were getting stronger and higher.  
When she added a third finger, Jan was screaming so loud that the glass windows trembled.  
she was shivering as she clenched around the fingers pumping inside of her. Nicky knew she was close, so she shoved her fingers dipper into her until she reached the exact sensitive spot that sent Jan over the threshold, and into a beautiful wave of electricity though her body.  
Jan was screaming and shaking, her body collapsed onto Nicky who kept thrusting her fingers into her, slowing down the rhythm, letting her down from the high.  
When she recovered, Nicky pulled her fingers out and pushed them into Jan's mouth, who took them gratefully. She licked and cleaned them, in an act that symbolled submissiveness more then anything else, tasting herself sweet and bitter on her tongue.  
"So good for me…" Nicky mumbled, fascinated by Jan trying to impress her as she took all three of her fingers inside her mouth, gagging a little when they reached the back of her throat.  
Nicky pulled her fingers out, smiling foolishly at her.  
She pulled Jan into a hug, letting her rest her head over her shoulder as she picked her up, legs wrapped around her waist.  
"Wow you're really strong" Jan laughed as she was in the air.  
She only held stronger onto the French's body, allowing herself to melt into her skin.  
Her orgasm let her loosen up and Nicky felt like she was softer under her touch.

Nicky carried her to the bed, when she released her, Jan collapsed on it, cuddled around herself. Silence filled the room, only Jan's shallow breaths were heard, small and shaky. She pensively stared in the air and her eyes filled with tears.

"Jan, are you okay?"

"Yes miss" she sounded tired and confused, the moment between them was so soft and gentle, Nicky herself forgot they were still in a session.  
"Jan, baby, look at me… if this is too much we can stop, it's okay" Nicky put one hand on her thigh, allowing herself to show care and softness, in a completely innocent way for once.  
"No, I don’t want to stop.." she sat up, closer to Nicky, yet distant from her.  
"it's just that since… Gigi, I haven’t felt anything. I'm constantly numb, I don’t get excited, I barely laugh, for god's sake I haven’t had an orgasm for I don’t know how long, not even when I'm alone" Jan stopped, confused, attempting to organize her thoughts. "Today I felt so much, this was a rollercoaster of emotions…"  
"And now you're afraid that the only way you can feel things is them being intense and forceful"

"exactly" Jan played with a piece of hair between her fingers, grinding her teeth in stress.

"Use the pain because it makes you feel good, because it lets you break free and lose control" she smiled softly at her.

"It's normal to feel like that, you've been through a lot, your heart is broken. Take time, you'll heal and have the best orgasms, even with yourself. I promise you"

"Are you talking from experience?"  
Nicky felt weak, powerless, knowing exactly how Jan feels.  
She hummed in agreement, keeping her lips shut.

"Nicky…" Jan stared at the hand resting motionless on her thighs.

Nicky grabbed her jaw gently and lifted her head to meet her eyes.  
Jan's eyes were soft, but hungry. Her body radiated warmth, asking to be touched.

Nicky kneeled closer to Jan, pushing her gently on the bed.

She placed herself between Jan's thighs, moving closer until both of their wetness mixed together.  
Jan's eyes rolled to the back with every grind and thrust of Nicky's body closer.  
"Do you want to come again princess?" Nicky devilishly smiled. and though she nodded enthusiastically, Jan knew that the suggestion was too good to come without a price.  
"Use your words when I ask you a question" Nicky rested her hands on Jan's collarbones, her thumbs too comfortably ready to choke her if she wanted to.  
"Yes, please miss" Jan batted her eyelashes and attempted to look as calm as possible, but her breath hitched and her body toughened.

Nicky laughed so evilly Jan could have sworn it belonged a villain from a Disney movie.  
"You can only come when I tell you can" she looked deep into her eyes as she thrusted forward, the friction against her was driving Jan mad.  
Nicky set a steady rhythm, leaning forward to kiss Jan's soft breasts.  
Jan's moans were getting louder and louder and Nicky felt her stomach twist and turn, she knew that if she stayed like that, soon they'll both be screaming and moaning as they come on each other.  
A perfect scenario if you asked Jan, but Nicky had other plans.  
"May I?" Jan could barely speak between moans and screams  
"Yes my little kitten" Nicky squeezes her tits as she tried to hide the fact that she was extremely stimulated by the act.  
"I really need to come… please let me" her voice was shaky and her legs trembled under the touch of the girl above her.  
"Already? I had higher expectations from you" She grinned and pushed stronger, increasing the friction until she felt it was too much.  
She felt Jan vibrating under her, so she moved backwards, denying her from the release she desperately needed. Jan whined at the lack of contact.  
"Stop crying like a little baby. I know you can take it"  
"take what?" Jan looked confused. Nicky felt warmth in her chest, Jan didn't even know what is about to happen and it turned Nicky on more then the act itself.  
"what's you number princess?" she asked, not answering Jan's question.  
"one..." Jan said hesitantly, lifting herself upwards to rest on her elbows.  
"God, your tits would look wonderful squished against a tight rope" Nicky pushed Jan on her back again, her lips clutching below her right nipple, sucking in a purple mark.  
Jan moaned deeply, a new pull of wetness around her thighs.  
"You like that, don’t you? To be marked like an animal. So people know you're mine?"  
"I'm yours, I'm your bitch, do whatever you want with me" Jan whispered with closed eyes, completely letting go of any shame she had. In that moment she didn’t care how she looked or sounded, all she wanted was Nicky's touch on her body.

Slowly but surely, she felt Nicky's lips moving lower and lower, leaving beautiful colorful marks on her pale skin.  
"I need you to stay calm" Nicky warned as her lips got closer to her folds.  
She licked her lower abdomen and her inner thighs.  
leaving tiny marks of her teeth on her delicate skin.  
Nicky relished at the sweet taste of Jan's wetness, humming into her fold.  
Jan yelped in response, closing her legs on her, trying to pull her closer.  
"don’t move. Scream into a pillow if you need to. But if you wont stop I will leave you horny and begging" Nicky spoke harshly as she breath warmly on Jan's center. Jan grabbed a pillow and pushed it on her face, trying to stifle her screams.  
"Good girl" Nicky licked a stripe on her pussy, letting Jan a second to adjust to the sensation before she pushed her tongue deeper and sucked on her clit.  
Jan's breaths were getting faster and shallower, her legs shuddered and her toes curled.  
"Do you want to come?" Nicky asked, knowing the answer.  
"Yes, please miss, let me come" Jan screamed, almost out of breath.

"Well.. that's too bad" She moved backwards, holding her legs apart to avoid Jan's attempt to gain friction against them.

Please, please let me come" she begged, but Nicky shook her head, smiling. Her hand kneading Jan's soft thighs.  
her hand got closer to where Jan wanted her, causing her to arch her back.  
Nicky pushed two fingers inside of her as her thumb brushed against her clit.

Jan cried into the pillow, shivers running all trough her body.  
Nicky kept working her way until she felt Jan was close again, she removed her fingers and Jan tried to follow them with her pelvic.  
"Baby girl, you're doing amazing, just a little bit more" Nicky smiled soflty, lowering herself down until her lips met Jan's folds once again.  
this time using both of her mouth and tongue together. Jan yelled and screamed into the pillow, her whole body shaking and moving. Nicky thrusted deep into her, feeling the wetness of her own leaking down her legs.   
once again, before granting Jan the release she needed, she removed herself from her.  
"please Nicky, I can't take it anymore, it hurts so bad" Jan almost cried as she begged.  
"You're so hungry for it aren’t you?" Nicky laid on her back, pulling Jan on top.  
"Make yourself come on my leg princess" she guided Jan's hips between her thighs, their wetness mixing again, making them both moan.

"Can I make you come with me? I want to see you come so bad" Jan asked quietly, afraid that she crosses a line that would cause Nicky to regret her decision to finally let her come.  
Nicky smiled at the pureness and realness in Jan's request, and at the way her beautiful body was shining above her.  
"Yes kitten, only cause you've been so good and patient tonight" Nicky lied, she was so turned on that she couldn’t resist sharing an orgasm with the beauty above her, even if Jan wasn’t patient at all.

Jan slowly moved herself, grinding deep onto Nicky, stopping for a little when she reached a sensitive spot. Nicky felt the pressure build inside of her, she lifted one of her legs, allowing Jan to reach closer to where she needed the friction.  
Jan started moving faster, causing them both to moan and shake.  
It didn’t take long for both of them to grab each other as they fell beautifully to the mattress, shaking, vibrating and moaning each other's names.

They remained silent for a few moments, Jan curled in herself, wrapped by Nicky's hands.  
"Thank you" Jan whispered

"Don’t you ever thank me for sex. I'm not a whore" Nicky half laughed and half meant it, she got up from her bed, putting her panties back on  
"Well… not for the sex. But for taking care of me, for making me feel something"  
"I'm glad I had the opportunity" she walked to the entrance of the apartment, gathering her clothes.  
"Will I see you again?"  
"Jan... I don’t-.."  
"I know" she stopped her, getting up from her bed and walking closer to her  
"It's not a date. I want you to fuck me again. I want to explore more and I trust you"  
Nicky remained silent as she buttoned her shirt.  
"You don’t need to answer now. Just think about it"  
for the first time this night, Nicky felt like Jan was the one with control, and it didn’t intimidate her.

"No dates, no romantic dinners, no strings attached, no feelings. Just me, naked, on the bed, or window... I really liked that one" she rambled, blushing. Jan turned back into the happy, bubbly person she was when Nicky just arrived there.  
"besides, you said something about tying my tits with ropes and it really turned me on"  
Jan knew exactly what to say, and Nicky fell into the trap.

"Just... _lose control_. What's the worst that can happen?"  
dressed Nicky opened the door, looking once again at the beauty of Jan's Naked body before she left.

Losing control was the toughest thing Nicky had to do.  
But she couldn’t resist Jan.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is very important!!!  
> Exploring and knowing what makes you feel good is welcomed.  
> But if anything you’ve read here inspires you- please make sure you educate yourself enough before trying.  
> Bondages and chokes can be really dangerous if done incorrectly.  
> Also, don’t trust strangers!! (get to know them well and make sure they make you feel comfortable)  
> And the most important thing!! Consent, consent, consent!  
> Never surprise your partners, talk about boundaries and have a safe word.  
> Stay safe. I love you all!


	4. Idontwannabeyouanymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It already became a habit. Nicky would show up on Jan's door, they would fuck without having to talk about it.   
> Jan would always be there, with a silent consent.   
> Her body became Nicky's property, and she never had the need to reclaim it.  
> They would range from a vanilla, soft and gentle sex, on days Nicky was happy.  
> To a rough session of intense, forceful, mind-blowing sex that pushed Jan to her limits on days Nicky felt any kind of a negative emotion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in the same week! Who am I?   
> its three months with no updates and then this.   
> TW to drug use and masturbation, if you've read the last chapter this is soft and light in comparison.
> 
> The chapter is messy and not my best work. But, it needed to be out.  
> Big smut plans for next one cause apparently it's all my brain it capable of creating.
> 
> I love you all, that's it.

After the night they spent together Nicky tried her hardest to avoid Jan.  
It's not like she never had sex with girls more than once, but something about the dynamics between them terrified her to death.   
The way Jan was easy to talk to, easy to have sex with.  
The way Nicky felt comfortable next to her, the way Jan read her without words.  
That's how you get your heart broken, and Nicky wanted none of that.

It took one week and three different girls before Nicky found herself knocking on Jan's door.  
She opened the door with a shocked face, "I've never thought I'd see you again, what are you doing here?" she slowly moved backwards, letting the French women in.  
Nicky walked in silently, hunger in her eyes, she pushed Jan against the wall and kissed her.  
"You could have at least text me, you know" Jan chuckled as she broke the kiss to take her shirt off  
"none of them-" Nicky spoke between kisses "-none of those other girls made me feel…" she threw her bra on the floor and cupped her breasts with both of her hands  
"Nicky are you drunk?" Jan stopped her to take a deep look in her icy blue eyes  
" If I say yes, can I still fuck you?" she pushed Jan towards the bed  
"I thought you don’t do… that. I don’t want you to regret anything" she fell onto the bed, never removing her hands from the drunk beauty above her.  
"I can't regret having sex with you. I can never regret fucking you"

-  
when Nicky woke up the next morning, to the smell of fresh coffee and sunshine through the windows, she hated herself, realizing she fell asleep in Jan's bed.   
"Don’t freak out about it" Jan moved closer to her when she noticed the naked girl in her bed is awake. She was wearing a big t-shirt, holding a steaming cup of coffee in her hand.   
"You said you wont regret it last night" she handed her the cup of coffee, Nicky grabbed it and remined silent until the mug was more empty than full.   
"I don’t regret having sex with you-" her voice was raspy and her eyes half closed,  
"-but I shouldn’t have stayed after".  
"Nicky, would you stop being so harsh on yourself? You were drunk, we had sex, you woke up here. That’s all" Jan sat on the bed next to her, she let her hand rest on Nicky's thigh, but removed it immediately when she saw the way Nicky shrieked at the gesture.  
"this is just sex. No feelings, no commitment, just great sex" Jan smiled and walked to the bathroom.   
  


Since that day, Nicky started to let her guards down.   
Five months passed since their first night together, Nicky couldn’t resist Jan, again and again.   
sooner than later, she allowed Jan's apartment to become her safe place and Jan's thighs to become her comfort.   
  


-

"When I was six, my heart got broken for the first time. I told Jimmy from my class that I wanted to marry him, and he said girls are disgusting.  
When I was twelve, I fell in love with my best friend Emily, my heart got broken for the second time when I confessed to her and she stopped being my friend.   
When I was fourteen, I had my first girlfriend Alice. I was so happy until her parents found out about us, they moved to another state, and my heart got broken for the third time.

When I was sixteen-"  
"Jan, is this getting somewhere?" the French asked in despair while smoking a cigarette next to an open window in Jan's apartment, wearing nothing but her underwear.

"I promise you, it has a point" she lightly chuckled, her fingers brushing through the after-sex knots in her hair, as she sat naked on her own bed.

*

It already became a habit. Nicky would show up on Jan's door, they would fuck without having to talk about it.   
Jan would always be there, with a silent consent.   
Her body became Nicky's property, and she never had the need to reclaim it.

They would range from a vanilla, soft and gentle sex, on days Nicky was happy.  
To a rough session of intense, forceful, mind-blowing sex that pushed Jan to her limits on days Nicky felt any kind of a negative emotion.

When finished, Nicky would always turn into this dark and quiet person. Avoiding touch and cuddles. She would get up immediately and smoke, her naked body leaned on the cold window in a complete silent until her cigarette has turned into smoke and ashes.   
Jan however, was the exact opposite. She loved to speak about the deepest philosophic stuff as soon as her breaths evened out from her climax.   
The deeper Nicky fucked her, the deeper her thoughts were.   
The first times, Nicky rolled her eyes, and cursed her in French.  
But slowly, she got used to her excavations and secretly enjoyed listening to her, though she will never admit that.   
  


*

"So, when I was sixteen and had my heart broken for the fourth time, I realized that hearts were meant to be broken. And mine is yet to suffer many breaks, so I might as well stop counting"

"Still waiting for the point" Nicky threw the remains of her cigarette into an almost empty beer can they shared earlier that night, and got closer to Jan, arms crossed over her chest.

"at eighteen-"  
"your heart was broken again" Nicky huffed.  
"- I met this weird old lady" Jan opened her eyes wide, speaking louder in an attempt to ignore the tall girl speaking over her.   
"Aww, some old lady broke your heart? Kinky" Nicky teased with an evil grin on her face.  
"She told me that some people were fortunate to never have their heart broken, and she was one of them. Can you imagine it Nicky? Living life with a perfectly undamaged heart"  
"The bitch was totally lying to you" she shook her head dismissively

"Not the point of the story, Nicky" she huffed, causing the French to collapse at the bed next to her after realizing she's on a no stops, long way, excruciating road to the point of the story.   
"Anyways, I spent years envying those who were lucky enough, blessed by the gift of having a complete heart. The more broken my heart got, the envier I became"   
"didn’t it just made you wanna stop falling in love?" Nicky quietly asked, unaware of how transparent she was in Jan's eyes.  
"Not at all. In fact, it always made me love stronger, it made me wiser. Instead of locking myself up I learnt how to open up, remove my layers of protection"  
Jan's words were directed, she knew exactly what stood behind Nicky's avoidance of relationships even though she never spoke of it.

"So when my heart got broken the last time- that's when I realized again what I have forgot long ago-hearts were meant to be broken.  
That’s how they get stronger. The cracks are filling up, allowing the heart to grow bigger.  
Broken hearts are beautiful, and I'm fortunate to have my heart the way it is"

Jan smiled peacefully, contentment with the fact she's got into Nicky's head.  
she slowly leaned onto her shoulder, pretending she's not aware of the storm raging in Nicky's chest.   
The French never shared, never talked about feelings.  
She liked to think it made her look mysterious, but deep inside she knew she was scared.   
"Another round?" Nicky smiled viciously as Jan slowly grinded herself on her thighs.

"please…" she purred into her neck, knowing that the storm she created in Nicky's head will cost her red marks on her ass.

-

When the second cigarette for the night was finished, Jan stared at the ceiling, lying down still naked on her bed.

"I have a date Nicky" she slowly breathed the words out, not sure why she was so hesitant to tell Nicky about it.  
it wasn’t a new thing for Jan to go on dates, but usually she would only tell Nicky after, when the date went really bad.  
Nicky only turned to look at Jan in silence.  
"Tinder, I think you know her…"  
"Do I?" Nicky giggled, it wasn’t a surprise, New York's lesbians selection was limited, and if you knew one, you knew all of them.  
"Jackie Cox " Jan said as she lifted herself to sit with her back on the wall.  
Nicky almost choked at her own spit.   
"I'll take it as a yes" Jan smirked as she watched Nicky cough.

Jackie was a graphic designer and a photoshoot producer in the main editorial Nicky worked for.   
And as professional and serious Jackie would be on set as she directed people,   
she would throw herself at Nicky as soon as the studio cleared up, begging to be fingered under the studio's professional lights.   
Nicky had to admit that Jackie wasn’t the best when it came to sex. She was often too gentle and needy to her preferences, but after a long workday she found it nice to get loose with her.   
And now, she has a date, with Jan.

"You fucked her, didn’t you?" Jan asked as she got up and looked for her panties.  
"Yeah" Nicky smiled apologetically as she scratched the back of her scalp, embarrassed.   
"That fine, maybe she learnt a couple of things from you" Jan chuckled   
"Don’t get your hopes up " Nicky murmured, and to her relief, Jan didn't hear her.   
  
"She takes me out tomorrow to a women's spoken word performance, its in a vegan gay bar and they have cats. They have cats Nicky!" Jan practically shrieked and it hurt Nicky's ears.   
But she looked happy, happier than Nicky had seen her since Lady Gaga's new album came out.   
"Such a lesbian cliché Jan, hope you bought a ring and cleared a shelf for her in your closet" Nicky rolled her eyes as she threw Jan's over-sized shirt at her.   
"Shit Nicky, I don’t know what to wear, will you help me?" Jan batted her eyelashes sweetly at her.   
Nicky tried so hard to think of something bitchy to say, but all she could think about was the weird feeling of discomfort at the thought of Jan screaming Jackie's name instead of hers.   
"Sure" was all she managed to say as she felt anxiety crawling.  
She could totally convince Jan to wear something she knows Jackie would hate, like clashing patterns of polka dots in two different colors, it would absolutely make her feel better to sabotage the date. But Jan deserved this chance with Jackie, and as much as she hated to admit it, the two of them matched each other perfectly. Jackie is a lesbian activist, nice, kind and a hopeless romantic that would give Jan the Disney fantasy she wants to badly. And in this fairytale, Nicky doesn’t want to be the villain.   
  
As Jan opened her closet, a wave of pink and purples dazzled Nicky's eyes, she knew exactly what Jan should wear.   
"That tiny black dress you have-" Nicky said harshly, almost commanding her, her French accent bolder than ever.  
"-the one you wore the first time we met".  
Jan's heart pulsed in her chest at the thought of Nicky not only noticing but remembering what she wore their first time together, it was almost romantic.

"The one that makes me look like a fancy whore? It's extremely short Nicky, and it makes my boobs look huge"   
"exactly" Nicky felt her body getting warmer at the thought of Jan in that dress, even though she was standing only in her underwear.   
"I want to look classy, not cheap" Jan shrugged, ignoring Nicky's hungry stare.   
"Jan baby, Jackie works with the biggest designers, she sees the most amazing clothes every day. Believe me, if you want to impress her; wear that dress. Use your body, your words, your eyes. You don’t need fancy clothes to distract her from the real you"   
Jan turned around, attempting to hide the blush in her face, unaware of how it spread through her entire body.   
"forever 21, you never disappoint me" Jan laughed as she pulled the dress out of the closet, leaving behind expensive clothes bought or made by her designer ex-girlfriend.  
"Let me know how it went" Nicky said as she got dressed. She stared perhaps a little too long at Jan's arched back and ass, still covered in red marks in the shape of her hand, as she bent down to her bottom drawer to pick shoes.   
Knowing well that if things go well in the date tomorrow, this might be the last time she saw her like that.

"Bye slut" Nicky gave her usual greet as she got to the door.  
"good luck tomorrow" she said and got out as the door closed behind her, fast enough to miss Jan's tears.

-

The next day couldn’t have gone worse for Nicky.   
She had a pre-photoshoot meeting with the editorial team for a straight male designer who kept flirting with everything that moves.  
He got mad at every make-up idea she suggested, saying it would steal the focus away from the garments.   
And if that wasn’t bad enough, she sat next to Jackie, watching her text the entire meeting with a foolish smile on, probably texting Jan.  
At lunch, she had a mild breakdown when she discovered she forgot her lunch at home, and had to eat pizza, which ruined her calories count.  
and after all that, she couldn’t find the foundation that matched the skin of the model that only had five minutes before she had to go for fittings.

When the day was finally over and Nicky was trying to call an uber, all she wanted to do was show up on Jan's door.  
But Jan had a date, with Jackie.  
And if she wasn’t feeling bad enough, Karma had to give its share to the story.  
When the elevator doors were about to be closed, "wait for me" was yelled and a slim hand stopped the door from closing. None other than then Jackie herself stood there, with her kind smile and blush covering her face.   
Any other day, Nicky would have flirted with her, standing painfully too close, knowing how wet the space between her tights gets just from her presence.  
But Nicky knew better than that, and wasn’t even sure if Jan mentioned the nature of their relationship to Jackie, which she hoped she didn't, but it was awkward non the less.  
So when Jackie walked in, Nicky pushed herself to the farthest edge of the elevator, casually mentioning work related topics.   
"I'm going on a date tonight, with your friend" Jackie smiled, toothy and dorky.  
"Jan told me" Nicky spoke a little too fast and a little too loud than she should have. Hoping to end this conversation as fast as possible.   
"Should I expect... something?" Jackie nervously asked  
"what do you mean?" Nicky uncontrollably answered with anger. _'Was she asking me if Jan is easy? If she would have sex with her tonight?'  
_ Nicky felt almost choked by absurdity of the situation.   
She felt like a matchmaker, to the two girls she regularly fucks.   
It made the twenty-two floors elevator ride feel so long, she felt like the oxygen in the small cube was running out.   
"I mean… she seems too good to be true. She's one of the sweetest, funniest people I've spoke to and this was only through text messages. She's also amazingly pretty. Am I missing something? Is she crazy? " Jackie looked hesitant, not even sure what answer she expected to hear from Nicky.   
_'she's a total beast in bed and you're not gonna keep up with her'_ was what Nicky wanted to say.   
"She's honestly great" was what Nicky actually said, as she felt a hole grow in the pit of her stomach.   
when the elevator finally reached the bottom floor and the doors opened, Nicky inhaled as she stepped out and away from Jackie who followed her to the entrance door. The afternoon New York sun penetrated through the glass windows, washing the lobby with warm light that painted everything in shades of orange and yellow.   
Nicky wished to feel the warmth of the sun on her skin. but there was Jackie, standing in  
front of her, annoyingly smiling and blocking the light.   
"Thank you Nicky" Jackie put her hand on her shoulder and Nicky squealed with the touch.  
"I didn’t do anything, honestly" she brushed it off and moved out to the exit as her uber arrived.  
Jackie waved her goodbye as she hopped on her bikes, mentioning something about how public transportations are bad for the environment. Nicky didn’t care enough to listen. "of course she cares about the environment" she shrugged to herself as she sat in the car.   
"stupid lesbian" she murmured as she watched Jackie paddle away.  
"Sorry?" the driver blinked in confusion  
"I meant what I said" she crossed her arms over her chest and huffed.  
The driver remained silent through the rest of the ride.   
  


When Nicky finally got home, pieces of anxiety creeped to her body.   
The sun began to set and the city lights took its place.  
Nicky shed her clothes off, wishing to shed her thoughts away with them.  
She sat in her underwear and bra next to her bedroom window, unbothered by the neighbors who might watch her.  
She held a blunt in one hand, and her phone in the other- opening tinder.

She needed to find someone to fuck.  
her fingers were easy on the screen, swiping left, and then left again.   
none of them looked like what she needed, cause none of them looked like Jan.   
It's not like she was jealous, at least that’s what she convinced herself.  
They both fucked many people, Jan went out on many dates and never spared on the details. Emotions were out of the picture, and Nicky knew she could get any other girl she wanted.  
So why did it bother her so much to think about Jan with Jackie.   
Hours passed by, the blunt was replaced with another, and then another one.   
When she was high enough and out of weed, she filled her empty hand with a glass of whisky.  
Ended up being high, drunk, sad and confused.  
When even tinder gave up on her and didn’t have any more girls to offer,   
she noticed it was already two hours past midnight, and that she didn’t get a text from Jan.   
'it probably means they're still together' she thought to herself as she left her phone and empty glass on the window sill and threw herself onto the bed.

She needed a release, to free her body.   
she tried to push her thoughts other placed.  
But she kept imagining Jan, in her small apartment, moaning Jackie's name.  
She quickly replaced the agonizing thoughts to Jan, tied by ropes, helpless on the floor, begs to be touched by her, beautifully sighs "thank you Nicky" with every slap on her reddens skin. Nicky knew that if Jan was next to her right now, she would have pushed her so hard to her limits, until she became undone. She would have slapped her harder than she'd even did, choke her for the longest periods of times she knew she could handle, fold her until she was so small and submissive.  
She would have taken her to the edge of her capabilities, just to release the ropes from her trembling body, lift her gently to the bed and lick her to through an orgasm in the softest most delicately way.  
Without realizing, Nicky's hands wandered south as her thoughts did. one of her hands tightly squeezed her breast as the other went deep between her folds.  
her eyes shut closed and her lips whispering the name of the women in her thoughts. She came alone in the empty room, her legs trembling into the mattress, hands fisting the sheets beneath her, aching to feel the heat of Jan's body next to her.   
"Jan.." she whispered again as her eyes became heavy and she fell fast asleep, playing the memory of Jan's heavy breaths sounds in her memory.

Nicky woke up the next morning from the heat radiating from the outside and into her bedroom, silk sheet sticking to her body and drops of sweat making her hair uncomfortably cling to her forehead.

When she opened her eyes, the room was bright and white, summer sun dazzling through the windows. An excruciating headache attacked her, waves of hangover crawled trough her body and she could still sense the bitterness of whiskey from the previous night on her lips.   
It was Sunday and she only had a short afternoon makeup meeting, so she covered her head with a pillow attempting to block the light.   
Her wrist brushed against the cool metal of her phone, quietly sitting on the mattress next to her, a contrast of temperatures, sent shivers through her body, bringing back the memories of what she attempted to forget last night.   
desperate sigh escaped her lips as her mind rushed through the events of the day before.   
she opened the screen of her phone, five unread messages, from Jan.

**_'Schrodinger's cat'  
_ ** _if you place a cat and something could kill the cat in a box and sealed it, you would not know if the cat was dead or alive until you opened the box, so that until the box was opened, the cat was both "dead and alive"_

In that moment, if the cat's name was " Jan's date with Jackie" Nicky swore she hated cats and wanted this one dead. Nicky both wanted and didn’t want to know what those messages said, so she decided it would be easier to ignore them all along.  
when the evening came and Nicky was back in her apartment alone, thinking about Jan.  
her curiosity grew bigger then her fear of dealing with the truth and she opened the text messages.

 **Jan 08:00 am**  
Nicky!!!!  
  
 **Jan 08:30 am**  
OMG Jackie is so amazing  
  
 **Jan 09:00 am**  
I had so much fun with her last night

 **Jan 09:10 am**  
We stayed up talking all night   
  
**Jan 10:00 am**  
Nickyy!!!!!

 **Jan 04:00 pm  
** Bitch, are you ignoring me? Are you alive?

Mixed feelings filled her body.   
She was happy for Jan, she really was.  
But she was also sad. And what pained her the most was the fact that she was sad.  
Nicky doesn’t have emotions, she doesn’t do emotions.   
Nicky has meaningless sex, with beautiful women. So, jealousy is never part of the picture.   
But Jan is the best sex she ever had, and to Nicky it felt easier to think she's pinning over the loss of good sex and not Jan herself.   
  
**Nicky 8:20 pm**  
I'm happy for you Jannie   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	5. bury a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New relationships are supposed to be fun and exciting.  
> But what happens when falling in love means losing you friend?  
> And what do you do when that new relationship is not what you expected it to be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello beautiful babes.  
> I'm really not proud of this chapter, I know I promised smut, but needed a little filler chapter to have some character development.  
> I rewrote so many parts so many times and considered deleting it all, but…. No.  
> this wasn’t suppose to get so dark, but it did. SORRY  
> also, this story is longer than I originally thought it would be but I'm having fun (probably two more chapters till the end).  
> title is by the one and only Billie Eilish.  
> TW body dysmorphia, TW panic attacks
> 
> Thank you for reading, leaving kudos and commenting.  
> I'm writing for myself, but it makes writing so much more fun.  
> Love you all so much

Jackie is amazing.  
She's really amazing.  
She's smart, kind, funny, beautiful and successful.  
She's that type of person who would never forget a birthday or an anniversary and would always get you the most creative, thoughtful, beautiful gift.  
She's the type of person who would listen carefully and patiently, remembering every single detail you've ever told them and giving the best advice.  
Jackie is the type of women who would charm your parents, she would compliment your mom's cooking and engage in your father's conversation about politics and economics.  
Jackie is perfect.  
That is if you take the sex out of the equation.  
It's not like the sex was extremely bad, well… maybe it was..  
Cause sometimes Jan would lay on her back during sex and think about how Jackie's fingers inside her feel like a gynecologist exam.  
Jan was mainly bored, having the same ritual every single time.  
Jackie would always kiss her neck, lick her right nipple, then the left one.  
Then she would go down on her for two minutes, ignoring her body language and the lack of wetness between her thighs, shove two fingers inside of her and move them in the most not-pleasuring way possible.  
So, Jan started faking her orgasms. It was never a well-thought conscious decision, but she found herself doing it again and again, so the sex part would end quickly, and Jackie's feelings wouldn’t get hurt.

* * *

  
"I love you Jannie" Jackie whispered one night, her naked body thrown on Jan's bad, three weeks after they made it official.  
Jan was hesitant at first. Sure, the butterflies were there, she felt some kind of emotion.  
But how do you even know you love someone? and how can you tell it's love when everything you feel is so numb?  
Jan cuddled deeper into the warmth provided by the women laying next to her on the bed, trying to buy herself some more time to think.  
"You don’t have to say it back… I-…" Jackie lifted her head, trying to catch the emotions reflecting in the blonde's eyes.  
"-I know it's really soon, I don’t want you to freak out. I just needed to say it out loud" she got up to a sitting position on the bed, leaning against the wall.  
"You're everything I've ever wanted Jan, I don't think I was ever so sure of something in my life, I was ready to-"  
"I love you too Jackie" she spoke the words too quickly and too quietly, avoiding eye contact.  
Jackie's eye lit in relief, sweet smile adored her lips. she let herself collapse down on the bed, cuddled in Jan's arms.

Jackie's calm breathes were contrasting against Jan's anxious restless ones.  
She craved to feel something stronger.  
Sure she was feeling something, but that's not what she thought it would feel like.  
It's like having a salad when your body craves for a pizza.  
Like turning the light on, on a cold winter day when you're missing the sun.  
like getting a text message instead of a phone call from a person you miss...  
a text message.  
Jan's phone screen lit up with a notification.  
She reached for the dresser to grab it, carful not to wake up the now sleeping brunette next to her.  
" 1 text message from Nicky" she read as her heart fell to the floor.  
The last text message she had received from her was the day after her first date with Jackie, 'I'm happy for you Jannie', she remembered how painful it felt, how she hoped for another reaction from Nicky.  
It's not like they stopped communicating at all, Nicky still liked the pictures Jan uploaded to her Instagram, and once in a while Jan would tag Nicky in a meme that she knew would both annoy her and make her laugh.  
It was as if they both realized the native of their relationship, and once sex was out of the picture, so was their friendship.  
Jan would be lying if she said she didn’t miss her.  
She missed the sex, she missed the long nights being warped around her body, she missed the way Nicky constantly tried to be in control but would goof around after enough weed and orgasms.  
And now there's a text from her.  
Jan fidgeted the phone in her hand, eyes darting over to the soundly sleeping Jackie.  
She slowly got up from the bed, locking herself in her bathroom as guilt started to build in her stomach.  
It was just a text message, but the way she wanted it to be more than that, made her feel like she was betraying Jackie.  
She leaned against the bathroom door, eyes closed, her phone held close to her chest.  
A million and one thoughts ran through her mind.  
"It's probably just something stupid" she opened her eyes and stared at the notification once again, missing the way Nicky said her name.  
"What it it's not something stupid? What if something bad happened?" she moved towards the mirror, looking at her own eyes, trying to focus her thoughts.  
"What if she accidently texted me? What if she's sexting? What if it's a picture? A naked picture?" Jan's thoughts were drifting away to images of Nicky in black lingerie.  
She laid her phone on the countertop, next to the sink. memories of Nicky bending her against it, grinding on her and smacking her hind flooded her.  
When it was all too much, as if Jan's hands moved on their own,  
One hand glided slowly, down her breasts, her stomach, under her shorts and panties, touching herself with the memory of Nicky in the back of her mind and guilt over Jackie in the front of it.  
Her other hand shakily reached for the phone, unable to find the courage to break her imagination and find out what the text message really said.  
Touching herself like that was making her uncomfortable, it was all too much and not enough.  
So she took a step back from the sink, meeting the door with her back again.  
she took her hand out from between the thighs and held the phone with both hands.

_01:34 am Nicky:_   
**I'm so sexy. I'm the best sex you've ever had**

Jan groaned. "what does this narcissistic bitch want from me right now?"  
She rolled her eyes and locked the phone again.  
She knew Nicky enough to realize two things; the first was, that Nicky was overconfident, which meant she drank tequila.  
The second one was that if Nicky drank tequila, she is most likely to be ending the night drunk and broken, knocking on her door.

And she wasn’t wrong.  
Jan heard a knock on her door 30 minutes after the text message was read.  
To her relief Jackie was still asleep.  
she slowly opened the door, afraid that Nicky would barge in.  
Through the little slit she could see Nicky's drunk gaze and smell the alcohol in her breath.  
"Nicky, you can't be here" she whispered.  
"So come outside" she drunkenly whispered-yelled back.  
Jan knew it was useless to fight it, as Nicky always had a power over her, and she knew how to get what she wanted.  
Jan opened the door wider, surprised by Nicky's dominant hand pulling her outside, sending shivers through her. She closed the door behind her and let out a shaky breath.  
"Why are you here Nicky?" she stared at the floor, avoiding eye contact.  
"I.. just had to.." She mumbled, getting closer and closer with every breath she took.  
"Don't you dare Nicky" she gathered all of her power to stare deep into her eyes and push her away.  
"Tell me why you're here" she anxiously crossed her hands over her chest, protecting herself, not allowing Nicky to step any closer.  
"Because you want me and you know it" she caged Jan with both of her hands, responded with a shaky breath from her.  
"It doesn't matter what I want or what you think that I want" Jan folded into herself, trying to distance herself from the situation.  
"You're acting all strong next to me, I know it. I know you… You want me to think you're strong, that you can handle me, but you can't" she removed her hands from the wall, releasing Jan.  
"Nicky, don't break this trust between us... I beg you. I can't do it, I can't do it to Jackie. Don’t break me" Jan cuddled herself, leaning against the closed door.  
Nicky moved to lean against the wall, next to Jan. Defeat in her body as she let herself slide down.  
"Is she making you happy Jannie?" Nicky asked in the softest voice that Jan has ever heard her use.  
"She is... more than ever I thought was possible " she pushed her head deeper against the harsh wooden door, looking for comfort.  
"Is she making you scream like I made you scream? Is the sex with her as good as it was with me?" Nicky waisted no time, diving into the deep questions she already knew the answers to.  
"Nicky…" Jan mumbled under her breath. Her body shaking both from the cold and the fear.  
"Tell me. does she fuck you like you deserve?" she leaned closer to whisper in her ear  
"It's none of your business " Jan hissed, hand searching for the door handle, wanting to walk away from the situation.  
"Tell me the truth and I'll leave"  
"What do you want to hear Nicky? Why does it even matter?" tears flooded her eyes as she shouted the words.  
"Tell me nobody can fuck you like I do, tell me I'm better than her"  
"please, stop…" Jan cried silently, knowing the truth deep in her bones.  
"Tell me the truth and I'll leave" Nicky grabbed Jan's thigh with her hand, going upper and upper until she reached the edge of her shorts.  
"Nobody fucks me like you did. No one has ever made me feel as good as you made me feel" she cried her words out, pain hitting her with every word coming out of her mouth.  
Nicky let het hand drop down from Jan's thighs.  
They remained silent for a few moments, Jan letting herself slide against the door until they were both sitting on the floor, not facing each other.  
"Why aren’t you going back in? to be with her?" Nicky broke the silence.  
"Why aren’t you going back home?" Jan snared back.  
"I missed you" Nicky turned her head to look at Jan, and it was the realest, most vulnerable and naked from covers Jan has yet seen her.  
"It's not just sex Nicky, us… I know we tried to pretend it is. But I miss my friend, the one that listens to me speak and says nothing. The one that doesn’t try to impress me with silly things. I miss the way you just smoke your cigarette next to the window and I feel I'm home" Jan looked at her back, not afraid to share her emotions, bare, real, honest.  
"It hurt me so bad to hear that you made it official from Jackie at work and not from you" Nicky's eyes were glossy with tears, and it was the first time Jan had seen her so broken and devastated.  
"I'm sorry… I thought you didn’t care" she laid a soft hand on Nicky's thigh, missing her warmth and soft skin.  
"I get where this is coming from" Nicky laughed with a snort.  
"This is the most heartfelt conversation we've ever had" Jan pushed herself back to standing, offering a hand to the still sitting French in the floor.  
"I hope this is the last" she laughed foolishly as she accepted the hand.  
"I'm sorry Jannie, I hope I didn’t ruin things for you" Nicky rubbed the back of her neck, afraid of her next move.  
"Don't worry gorge, everything is perfect" she lied in brazenness, knowing deep inside things aren’t as perfect as she hoped they would.  
Jan tiptoed into a hug, resting her head on the taller girl's shoulder.  
Nicky embraced her into a warm hug, pushing Jan's ribs against hers.

"I hate that it has to be weird between us" Nicky shrugged as she moved away from the hug.  
"It doesn’t have to…" Jan's glossy gaze was replaced by a more serious and convincing one.  
"Jan, I had you confessing to me that I'm the best sex you had, like… 2 minutes ago" Nicky took a step back, knowing her words broke the bubble they both created.  
"But we can be friends…just friends" Jan offered a smile, so weak that sadness peaked through it.  
"Jan listen to me" Nicky grabbed her shoulders with both hands, forcing her to look at her.  
"I can't stand next to you without wanting to rip your clothed off. I can't be next to you without wanting to pin you against the wall and taste your skin on my tongue.  
for god's sake Jan, its so hard right now to be standing next to you and knowing that you're hers and not mine. I need to fuck you, not to be your fucking friend" Nicky pushed her, Jan's body hit the wall and she folded in herself, tears washing her eyes.  
"We can't be just friends Jan. We were never friends to begin with. You thought we were friends with benefits? we were fucking and that's it" Nicky shouted at her, before storming away from the place.  
Jan dried her tears, with shaky hands she opened the door knob, closing the door behind her as her breath hitched.  
She opened her phone and took one last glance at the text message  
'delete' she pressed on the cold screen and crawled back in bed.  
Jackie's warm hand took her in for a cuddle but Jan's body remained stiff with guilt.

* * *

  
When the weather outside was getting colder, and the leaves on the trees were getting brown and crunchy, Jan and Jackie walked hand in hand on the streets of New York, breathing in the fresh fall air while their other non-occupied hand held onto a warm pumpkin-spice latte.  
"I love this season so much" Jan chirped with happiness, letting go of Jackie's hand to twirl around the browning leaves falling on the ground.  
"I think you're gonna love it even more after you open this" Jackie handed her an envelope- golden with black details on the edge  
"What is it?" Jan's eyes lit with excitement.  
"you know New York fall only mean's one thing to me" Jackie's eyes sparkled as Jan took the envelope from her and opened it in a hurry.  
"it is what I think it is?" Jan's eyes teared as she held the letter close to her chest.  
"If you think it is being my plus one to the main runway of New York fashion week, then yes" Jackie smiled widely, taking Jan's hand back in hers.  
"Baby, this is the most amazing thing anyone did for me" Jan placed a soft kiss on her cheek as they continued walking.  
"I didn’t do anything special Jannie, you're my girlfriend, and the only person I want to spend this night with" she squeezed her hand tighter, pulling her closer.  
"But I do have to remined you that I'll be working, so I might be busy for some parts, but on the red carpet I'm all yours" she smiled foolishly.  
"Red carpet?" Jan screamed causing few people on the street to stop and stare  
"obviously, what did you think? I'm walking on it and you are with me" Jackie blushed from the sudden looks from people in the street.  
"I can't believe I'll be walking in the red carpet" Jan's eyes teared with excitement, she was smiling like a kid who got candy.  
"We have to find you a dress to wear, I'll ask some of my designer friends" Jackie threw her now empty cup to the bin and took her phone out.  
"This is the best day of my life" Jan jumped up and down, making it hard for Jackie to stay serious as she discussed dress ideas with a designer on the phone.

* * *

  
"What happened Jannie?" Jackie asked cautiously as she stood in the designer's studio, watching Jan wearing a dress that was design especially for her.  
The dress was bronze gold made of a metallic fabric.  
It clung perfectly to her body, highlighting her collar-bones and cleavage.  
The dress was short in the front and long in the back.  
Seeing it on the mannequin, Jan fell instantly in love.  
But now that it was on her body, something felt odd.  
"I just don’t feel beautiful…" she checked herself in the mirror, twisting and turning to look at herself in different angles.  
"What do you mean you don’t feel beautiful?" Jackie stepped closer, letting her hands rest on Jan's waist.  
"This dress…" Jan said, lifting the fabric away from her body, "It's the prettiest thing I've seen in my life…" she struggled to pull the zipper down, waiting for Jackie to understand and help her take it off.  
"I'm not pretty enough to wear it Jackie" tears rolled down her cheeks, she hyperventilated, as if she choking under the fabric. Jackie finally read the sign and pulled it down from her body, Jan stepped out of the dress and fell down on her knees, shaking from the cold.  
She missed the way Nicky made her feel beautiful.  
She missed the way she looked at her, making her flaws look like beauty marks.  
She missed the way Nicky asked her to take her makeup off, keep her hair away from her face, stand proudly naked in the light.  
She missed the way Nicky made her feel like the sexiest person in the world, even with red and purple marks over her body, signs of good sex and memories that faded slower than the taste of Nicky's skin on her tongue.  
She felt the prettiest girl in the world, wearing that tiny black dress that Nicky loved, just like that, without even putting on a bra or underwears, she felt beautiful.  
But she hadn't heard from her for weeks, since that drunk stupid night, when Nicky showed up on her door step.  
Now she sat on the floor, a nude-colored strapless bra and cinching underwears.  
There was nothing sexy about it.  
She felt her body squeeze under it, lumps of fat pushed up and down.  
She felt disgusting.  
Anxiety washing over her. Jackie had so many expectations from her, but she felt like she was never enough.  
"What happened baby?" Jackie slowly caressed her back.  
"I thought you loved the dress…" she lifted Jan slowly from the floor.  
"This dress is amazing Jacks... it's just that it probably cost more the my rent, and it’s a dress that a skinny model should wear... not someone fat like me" she said as she pinched herself, trying to show Jackie the lumps of fat she was seeing on herself.  
"Why are you talking about yourself like that?" Jackie said with terror in her eyes.  
"You are so beautiful, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen Jannie... and I work with models every day" she slowly dragged her fingers over Jan's cheeks, attempting to dry her tears but new ones kept coming out.  
Jan stood there, facing the mirror, and looking at herself repulsed her "I look so bad…" she cried out her words, feeling like the walls were closing on her.  
"Jan it's not normal that you feel this way... Maybe you should see someone? A therapist? A professional?"  
Jan groaned, her eyes were sore, and her body hurt, she wanted to be out of there.  
All she needed was Jackie to hold her tight, crave her body, make her feel sexy by touching her and not just saying meaningless words.  
She wanted Jackie to admire her body more than she admired the dress.  
But Jackie just stood there, with puzzled face.  
"Jackie I…" Jan tried to speak, pour what's on her mind and heart, but words didn’t seem to come out.  
"I'm sorry, I'm just really stressed and I had a little meltdown" she swayed in place, hands hugging herself, covering her belly.  
"Don't be stressed Jannie, it'll be okay" she gave her a reassuring smile and went to the back of the studio. Jan rushed into the dressing room, stripped herself from everything she felt. Taking off the strapless bra and cincher, replacing the uncomfortable undergarments with her favorite lingerie set.  
It was one of those moments in her imagination, she hoped to lock Jackie's eyes as she walked out of the dressing room, lilac lace hugging her curves. She hoped Jackie would come near her and wouldn’t be able to remove her hands from her bare skin, lingering to strip her from the remaining layers of clothing, she hoped they would kiss in passion, make-out in the cab on the way home, have mind-blowing sex on her bed, or her shower.  
But when she stepped out, Jackie's eyes were locked on her phone. The pain she felt was immeasurable, the tiniest bit of confidence she gained wearing her favorite set, vanished and was replaced back to insecurities. Being surrounded by mirrors felt intimidating, she felt large, huge.  
Jan knew she was over-reacting, she constantly tried telling herself to stop.  
'its only in your head', 'your beauty doesn’t depend on you weight' she repeated.  
But when she felt sick to her stomach, she hurriedly put on her clothes, coughing quietly to pull Jackie's attention back to her.  
"Wanna grab something to eat Jannie?" Jackie smiled happily, unaware of the storm in Jan's body, completely ignoring what happened moments ago.  
"I'm not hungry.." she lied, swallowing back the tears.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.  
> <3  
> thank you for reading


End file.
